I just cant do it
I can't come up with the words
He taught me so much
But what?
Life
Friendship
Addictions
Guilt
Try saying that with passion
I can jazz it all up...but it sounds fake
I try
But I catch myself crying
Why is it that we don't realize things until it too late?
When we can't go back to say...You helped me...You saved me.
Retro-spect is a bitch
When I find the words
I'll find my closure
Until then...Im still mourning.

I went camping last night...without a tent. Ellen, Jess, Me, bugs, snakes, dogs...and the stars. The entire time...all I wanted to do was go home and call Brandon. It's sad and pathetic...but hey...I love him.

I talked to Ellen and Jess about everything. When you're laying in total darkness with someone for hours on end with nothing but the sound of the crackling fire dieing in the distance...you open up...you confess.

I wake up...
I smoke a cigarette...
I shower and brush my teeth...
I smoke a cigarette...
I take the pills that are suppose to make me beautiful...
I take the pills that are suppose to keep me from mother hood...
I smoke a cigarette...
I go to work...
I have a moment of "me" time in my car, with my music, with my cigarette...
I come home...
I shower again...
I brush my teeth...again...
I smoke...another cigarette
...I do all this...and I die alittle
Now I know why people kill themselves....
To end...THIS
It's rutine
It's boring
It's life
....and it kills us all a day at a time.
Yeah, Im finished.
I'm gonna smoke another cigarette.

"Are you going back to school?" He asked me.
I pause before replying.
"I'm going to wash dishes for the rest of my life. Some goal?"
He laughs...he always laughs...he thinks I'm fucking funny.
I love him.
Grant...you crack my shit up.
So I worked today. I feel like shit. I'm working on a new piece that will eventually grace the head of my boyfriends bed. It's a black and white pencil sketch of an actress everyone of us has a hard on for. It's huge so...if you see it, I'll have to take a picture of it. I swear...I'm a negative bitch.
Bring on the day.

Alright...the reason I don't really use deviant is because I don't get feed-back. I'm not bitching about that...hell, it makes no nevermind to me...the way I see it however...with this new poetry group...I may actually get back into the deviant scene...possibly.